There’s no babystepping into this one nor holding hands through it, it’s just one of those that has to be said and we just move on from it. To be honest, I can’t think of a single woman that hasn’t been sexually violated or abused in some form or another, but I can’t think of another man aside from myself that has. This isn’t by chance, it’s a clear indicator that we as men don’t speak about it because vulnerability and exposing anytime that we’ve been bested or taken advantage of doesn’t really align well with our masculine identity. It’s also very clear that people are sick, and I do mean really fucking sick. As a fair heads up, I don’t recall the order that any of these happened in but they all occurred well before I turned 10. 2 occurrences were family and 2 were outisders, for perspective, and identities will be withheld for storytelling purposes. Also, in terms of my feelings surrounding this, I have absolutely none. All of these experiences play back like a movie scene in my head but no feelings are attached whatsoever, thanks to the ol’ survival instincts of the brain for protecting me from that.
The first of the four occurrences was with a family members girlfriend. I’ll choose this one because there’s a disconnect in the understanding that women can be predators of children as well, as this fact is easily overlooked. I remember a time or two during some overnight stays, #1 would go take her nightly bath and come back into the room with myself and the other boys that were there that night, and stand there completely naked. I know for a fact I wasn’t old enough to be excited about this so it didn’t do the same thing for me as it did for them as they were a little older than I at the time. During her brazen display of her “vessel”, she would encourage us to touch and explore her as we pleased. I don’t think I participated but I know I was in the room, and that’s kinda as far as that memory goes. Aside from that, I know that lady made some of the best hot cakes and she wasn’t exactly well liked in other spaces.
The second, was family. Again, still no feeling surrounding it at all..andddd never really opened up to the family that it could affect with outing it. There’s not much of a rhyme or reason to going through all of that in my mind. I remember it was a rainy day and we were both there by ourselves and I guess he got a wild hair and an even wilder idea. This was a one off situation with no reoccurrences afterwards and no indicator that it would’ve even happened in the first place. Either way, before long, he instructed me to lay down. I trusted him and his direction enough and wasn’t old enough to question what was going on at the time or really understand what was. Once I laid down, he asked me to pull my pants down and he did the same and essentially just proceeded to “hunch”. I guess he wasn’t really old enough to understand either as that’s all that happened. Again, wrong asf, but it’s just a story I tell because I don’t have any thoughts or feelings attached to it.
Third occurrence had a supreme amount of opportunity to go really wrong but thankfully it didn’t. So anyone from Milledgeville,GA or any surrounding areas are familiar with Central State Hospital. It’s the states, or was, largest mental institution and also wasn’t far from the prison system which at the time was a solid career move for residents and those from surrounding counties. Either way, my mom was a correctional officer for however many years. One of these years there was a basketball game and I’m not sure if it was for the inmates or the patients but either way the black team was the Yoshi’s, which I thought was cool because Yoshi is one of my favorite video game characters *insert that noise that he makes*. We were in attendance and during the basketball game, of course my little kiddie bladder needed to be emptied so I maneuvered my way to the bathroom. While in the bathroom, an older white male approached me and asked me a question. Now mind you, I’m not of age where I should be going to the bathroom by myself in crowded areas ESPECIALLY considering I was still urinating with my pants on the floor like most kids did at the time. The question the guy asked was ”can I pee through you?”. Now my adult mind KNOWS that’s a really big problem but my naive child mind didn’t, so I obliged and he directed me towards a stall. Thankfully around this same time, my older family members must’ve realized that I went to the bathroom by myself and needed to be checked on because they came in, assessed the shituation and got buddy tf up from around me. No actual contact was made between he and I but had I gone unattended as originally planned, this would be a different story.
The last instance actually just resurfaced in my mind a few months ago, kinda during that whole “dark night” timeframe. It’s kinda wild how far suppressed some things can be but a good resurgence of pain can bring it to the forefront. This one kinda threw me when I remembered because it was family. So similar to the family member‘s girlfriend, I was given free range to explore the individual. This occurred over a longer period of time and it was out of curiosity on my part rather than for pleasure, I can’t speak to the intentions of the individual but it definitely shouldn’t have been something that was happening to young Danny Jones. I remember also kissing and being kissed in a way that was unbecoming of jit‘s proper development.
Imma be honest, this kinda took a little more out of me than I thought it would, I’ll leave this here for a bit and pick up the other half of this dialogue later. The other half will be my overexposure to sex, lack of attention/affection as a yute, and how that all got rolled up into a spicy gas station burrito of dysfunctional adolescence.
But before I go, pay attention to your kids, little cousins, nieces and nephews. Wherever they don’t want to go, listen. Whoever they don’t like, be aware. It’s reasons for everything and whatever may be trivial and childish to you could be a cry for help from them. Whether you believe it or not, the boogeyman is real in their world and it could very well be someone close to you. Peace.