I’ve always been on someone’s ”list”. All of the admirable qualities that they’d desire in a spouse. I check a lot of the boxes, and more often than not, ended up adding additional boxes to be checked by whatever mystery man comes after me. It’s not something i’m really proud of becuase largely I get held to a gold standard with a very small margin for error. It is what it is. A good friend of mine told me a long time ago that ”people love the idea of you, they love you on paper but they don’t actually love YOU”. She told me this many years ago and it still rings true.
In rolling these thoughts around though, I came to the realization that i’ve never made my own list. Being proactive on my wants and needs or what I envision my dream woman to be. Or better yet, getting real honest with myself about what my wife looks like. I don’t spend enough time in that space and to be transparent, I run from it. There’s some innate fear of being a married man and it’s not in a way you’d normally expect for it to appear, like “oh I don’t wanna get married because of all the pussy I won’t be getting” - my fear is much more, direct.
I fear that I’ll be a failure to my wife.
I’ve seen a lot of people get it wrong in that space, but I guess for me it’s just not wanting to get it wrong for her. For me to look at her as my wife, I have decided that THIS woman deserves the absolute best from me, she deserves better than what i’d even give myself. So to decide that and then let her down….that’s heavy for me. And I don’t really know what to do with that.
I know the intro to this piece doesn’t really align with the actual post and I may wake up in the morning and want to delete this, but for now, it’s out. So here it is, my letter to my wife.
A Letter To My Wife.
You’re one of my favorite teachers.
You’re my safe space.
You inspire me.
You add to my life.
You stress me.
You nurture me.
You try for me.
You grow with me.
You heal me.
You touch me.
You see me.
You hear me.
You feel me.
You want me.
You need me.
You listen to me.
You follow me.
You guide me.
You encourage me.
You discourage me.
You fulfill me.
You mirror me.
You challenge me.
You please me.
You are me.
These are some of the qualities I require in my spouse. I know and understand that you won’t represent these things completely but I do know that I have these things, and you are a mirror of me so whatever you may lack, you can learn from me. For the capability to grow and learn is limitless.
You’re a beautiful woman, and not in the traditional sense. You possess a beauty that is timeless. If I could place you in any era, any location, you’d stand out immediately. I love the fact that you don’t need to be seen to be seen. Even the simplest of looks command attention in any space that you’re in because you are so powerfully beautiful inside before your exterior is recognized. Any look, Any time, Any place, you are the focus of the room. When we come together, we don’t just look like royalty…we are. We’re walking art, well more so you than me because I’m low key ugly. You’re so amazing to capture behind the lens. Over and over again I’m amazed at what I see when I look through the lens at you.
You’re an intelligent woman. Your desire and capacity for continued learning is reflected in your willingness to teach me and share your information with others as well. Sharing it freely. When knowledge is acquired, you need to apply it and pass it on for it to truly have existed in its purpose. Knowledge hidden from others isn’t knowledge. Knowledge unused is a waste. Even your approach to areas that you know nothing of, that I may be a master in, you don’t mind being a journeyman because of your love and support for me and the things that make me, me.
You’re considerate. I’m not concerned much with the thinking of me in tricky situations, you’ll do what you feel is right in those moments. My focus is assisting and fitting in where you can in my world and day to day functions. As my parter, you show up and consider how to make my operations run smoother as I do the same for you. Even if it’s just as simple as seeing I didn’t get a chance to finish something and finishing it for me. Thoughtful enough to prepare my lunch for the next day, considerate enough to take me to lunch to break up the monotony of my workday and share your light with me even if it’s for an hour. Hearing me talk about something and being a part of the process to make it happen without excuses.
You’re a great communicator. I don’t have to wonder what’s on your mind or why you’re quiet, you’re willing to tell me. Good, bad, indifferent, we talk about it. We manage to take deep dives in conversations and come back out of them whole with much better understanding than we entered into them and I love you for that. I feel comfortable trusting you with my most prized possession, my thoughts and feelings. You don’t hold onto my words and use them as ammo, you take the time to understand me when I may not be the clearest, just as I take the time to understand you when you may not be the clearest. That’s true communication that we share. There’s no dreading talking to you or apprehension in approach you, only open and transparent conversations that are fully welcomed. You hold space for me to be myself with you.
You’re a pleasant woman. I’ve always admired that about you, taking a pleasant tone with strangers, always offering a genuine smile or a helpful hand while out and about. I watch you more than you know. All the times I’ve seen you practically sing a “hello” to people just makes me excited to be a part of your life. You’ve even taught me how to smile just a little lot more when I encounter people, just in watching you. I’ve learned to smile and smile big. Be intentional in my energy that I share with others because that’s what they’ll give me back. So I try to share more and more pleasantries than not, because I have such a great source of genuine goodness within you.
You’re intensely passionate. Not in a reckless way as I’ve encountered in my past, you’re the type of passionate that’s warm and inviting, not fiery and overbearing. You have control over your energy and it’s application, you know what I need and you I know how to light my fire and I don’t have to ask you to do so. The way you speak to me has energy, the way you touch me has energy, the way you listen to me has energy, the way you see me has energy. All of the things you intentionally apply love, direction, and focus into so that I don’t have to doubt how you feel about me. I just “feel” how you feel about me. I love the fact that you don’t hesitate to tell me either, it’s always nice to be watered at any given time, even when I don’t need it, but especially when I do.
You embolden me. My confidence soars knowing that you’re in my corner rooting for me. Not just when I’m right, but when I’m wrong also, you’re there to correct me in any area that I may not fully see all the angles. That’s what a Queen does, she makes the moves that a King cannot make or cannot see. That is what you do for me, I humbly turn my perspective to you and seek answers because I know I don’t know everything, but together we can figure it out and the same is for you. There is a trust and balance there that gives us the ability to take and give at proper moments that doesn’t leave the other feeling drained. I know you’re behind me pushing me when I need it. I know you’re beside me walking with me when I need it. I know you’re able to guide me when I need it as well.
You’re divinely feminine. Most of which can be felt when in your presence, there’s a certain calmness that you bring to me. It’s the yin to my yang. As the divine masculine, I understand my purpose and my power and I also understand that I am nothing without the pairing of the divine feminine. It’s felt in your touch, the way you look at me, the way you speak to me, the way you make love to me. It’s a sacred intertwining of power and submission to create absolute magic.
You’re sexually expressive. You’re not afraid of me. You understand that I have a want and need to satisfy you, and that you are able to finally be satisfied. Comfortable enough to be satisfied. You’re able to be free in that space, you’re not shy to speak up about what you do like and what you don’t like. You’re willing to try things that you want or take control and allow me to enjoy the show, so to speak. Again, it’s all about balance. You know I find little fun in just doing what I want all the time, I appreciate your desire to be present and ensure that I’m fulfilled as well. Your willingness to go further and further and explore that world with me genuinely makes me happy to call you mine.
You’re emotionally adept. I’ve struggled before with partners who were either too emotional and irrational, or they were too logical and lacked emotion. I’ve been in spaces where the negative emotions were easily and frequently expressed, but the ones that needed to be heard and shown were kept hidden from me. That’s not you, and that’s what I value. Before presenting me with any issue, you’ve already rolled it around through your processes first, so I know that if you’re speaking on it, it’s important. You don’t lash out, but you don’t withhold emotion from me either. I know it’s not a perfect space but you do exhibit a large level of understanding and control there, and I’m highly thankful for it.
You’re accepting and understanding. Surprisingly enough, you’ve come to accept and understand that I choose to be ethically non-monogamous. Although the option is there for you to participate as well, you choose not to and I can respect that. You’ve grown to understand that this part of me doesn’t take away from you, nor our relationship. The love I have for you is the love I have for you, and although I choose to have these experiences separately from you, I directly and indirectly share them with you. You give me the freedom to exist as I naturally occur, something I’ve struggled with accepting about myself feeling that it was wrong or too much to ask for. I’ve spent a lot of time lying to myself about my wants and needs, and you’ve helped me to accept them and not feel as if it were selfish to do so.
You’re hilarious. I can easily get lost with you in telling jokes and talking about the environment surrounding us at any given time without having to over explain a joke. You’ve offered some side splitting laughs and shared in mine as well. I highly appreciate that sometimes it doesn’t even take a word, sometimes it’s just a look and we bust out laughing. Already knowing what the other is thinking and why it’s funny, I love our connection in that space because boy did I get tired of hearing wack ass jokes before you came along.
You’re tenacious. I can count on you to see things through, not just if I say I need something done or need help with something but even in your own passion projects or tasks. I can look to my side and see you reaching for the stars on the things that matter to you the most without hesitation. Sometimes you need a little boost as we all do, but largely you’re after your own goals without having to constantly be pushed towards them. Mirrors. And at an even deeper level, if I am goal oriented then you’d need to be as well because if not, at some point we’d start going and growing different directions. Although we can grow independently, we still ultimately need to be going the same direction for things to work, and I can see that that’s what we’ve been doing.
You are a Goddess. No need to explain that.
You’re a phenomenal mother. In many ways you’ve helped me to become a more amazing father. I’m usually recognized as being a great dad but I can’t fully accept that accolade on my own without acknowledging your part in it as well. Watching you parent has served as a great inspiration to me. Your calmness, your tender approach, the way you nurture and guide these children always has me in awe. It makes me slow down as a father and make sure i’m a lot more present for the kids in the “in between” moments. It’s not that you’re just a mother to “the kids”, you show up as a mother to “all kids” big and small, even me. You see the child in me that needed just a little more love, just a little more attention, just a little more time…and you nurture that. I thank you for that, sincerely, we do.
You’re trustworthy. Not just in the traditional sense, as you know that doesn’t hold as much weight in my world. Humans will do what they will and I accept that. You know trust to me looks a lot like “Can I trust you with my thoughts and feelings?” And the answer is always, yes. I can trust you enough with these things to know that they won’t be used against me, or minimized to capitalize on your point, or just strewn aside because they aren’t what you want to hear at the time. You know that if I’ve taken the time to express something, I’ve sat with it long enough to realize that I can’t handle it on my own and now I need help, something i’m not afraid to ask for. You’ve taken the time to see me enough, to make me feel SEEN enough, that I know I can trust you with “me”. The good, the bad, and the fucking disgusting parts. Because that’s what makes me, me. All of that, not just the shiny parts. I don’t have to hide any of it from you.
You listen to Anita Baker, and you know she was all about loving a man the right way.
You’re a spiritual woman, you pay close attention to how things feel. Very much in tune with the “now”. We know when something or someone doesn’t feel right and we can operate on the same accord. Although we both grew up with some church background, as most kids in the south do, we’ve gravitated away from it in search of our own truths and what else is out there beyond what we’ve been taught. Through it all, we’ve come to see that essentially it all comes back to the understanding that everything is connected, all is one.
You love me.
You love me in a way that makes me feel like the biggest man on earth.
You make me feel like all things are capable and within my reach because I have your love to guide me and provide me.
You love all the parts of me that make sense and also the ones that don’t.
You love me enough for the both of us at times, especially when I don’t have my head on straight.
You love me enough to level me out and get me back on my square.
You love me enough to continue to try.
You love me when it doesn’t make sense to.
You love me when it does make sense to.
You love me when it’s hard to love me.
You love me when i’m the last nigga you want to see.
You love me when I lose.
You love me when I fail.
You love me when I fall short.
You love me when I make a small win.
You love me when I’ve done nothing but just be.
You love me when i’m not strong enough to love me.
You love me when i’m not kind to myself.
You love me when the world hasn’t been kind to me.
You love me when I feel like I could’ve been a better father, a better son, a better brother, a better man.
You love me when I want to shut the world out.
You love me when I just need a friend.
You love me when I get in my fonky ass moods.
You love me when i’m depressed.
You love me when I put my dad’s eyes on display (can’t stop crying)
And I love you too, Mrs. Danovan Dean. 🌹